But I Only Went Out With Her Once

I hated waiting in line even though I wasn’t in a rush, for really, I had no where to go. I would never have anywhere to go. You see I was in line to be judged, the final judgment. Yes I was dead and waiting to hear my verdict, up or down, hell or heaven. I didn’t know if I had been waiting a long time or not; time didn’t have much meaning here; when a voice called out to me.
“Mr. Tony Wong…Mr. Wong…Tony…you.” The caller was more a presence than a person, but I instantly found that I could create form to the voice. I could have imagined the voice to be a kindly old man with a long white beard. I understand that is the more accepted vision of the ultimate judge, but instead I created the image of my best friend Ken Slutski. What could be more beneficial I thought to myself. If I had to be judged it would indeed be helpful to have a friend in your corner. At least that’s what I was counting on. Boy, was I in for a big correction. “Well, what do you have to say for yourself you big piece of shit,” Ken said in a non-friendly manner. I was instantly floored. I tried to refocus the vision before me into my mother who would have never called me a piece of shit, but I was unsuccessful. I guess the ability to conjure was a one shot deal. Unlucky for me. I did the next best thing; I assumed he was just giving me a hard time as a joke that was not particularly funny.
With a forced smile on my face I said, “Hey Ken, this is your best friend here. Go easy on me.”
“Why should I? With a friend like you who needs enemies. Remember the time you put ants in my bed as a joke? Remember the time you started the rumor in high school that I was going repeatedly to the restroom to jerk off when I really had an intestinal parasite? And then there was the time you snuck up to my car when I was making out with Susie in the back seat and you started to shake the car pretending it was an earthquake? I could go on,” Ken said looking very cross.
“I remember them all with fondness Ken. And do you remember all the things that you did to me like the time you and the guys got together to pants me in the playground restroom and threw me out when all the girls were there?”
“So we did. That was fun. OK we’re even here but you still have to answer for your life.”
“Why do I have to say anything? You have my complete record. Isn’t that enough?”
“No it isn’t. It’s like when you were trying to get into college. Remember that you had to send your high school grades, yet you still had to write an essay about yourself to add to your file. They wanted to know more about you, the person. Well, we want to know more about you. We want to give you a chance to defend yourself. Mr. Wong, to be frank, you are on the cusp. One little item can mean the difference of bliss or damnation. Your life has been very spotty. Some good stuff, excellent stuff, and then…”
“What do you mean by “and then”,” I said with fear and caution. I started to feel warm, imagining that I already descending into the basement where the thermostat was turned up to the max.
“I’m referring to your behavior with woman. In short you were a cad.”
His statement hurt, because it was true, sort of. I did date a lot and I did my best to have a good time, if you know what I mean, but I was not a Cad. I was only a cad with a small “c” to my way of thinking, and so I did try to defend myself. I knew at the start that I was at a disadvantage, as if I had one hand tied behind my back and one foot cut off below the knee, but I knew that I didn’t have much to lose to try. “I never lied,” I blurted out like it was going to make up for everything.
“No you never lied, but you misled, omitted, and only thought of yourself in all your relationships…if we can call them that.”
I reflected on his charge and then countered the best I could. “You may be right, but a lot of that was because I was stupid, not evil. And then most of my bad behavior happened when I was young, when I had a flood of hormones running through me. You have to give me some leeway for that. Like innocence due to insanity.”
“I am giving you some leeway,” he said it a soft voice. “I do recognize that you are not inherently evil, but you do have to understand that you caused a great amount of pain to a number of people.”
“I did?” I asked dumbly, innocently.
“Yes you did. And that is the one aspect of your character that is saving you for now. You’re so god damn dense. Excuse the pun.”
For a moment I was at a loss for words. It never had occurred to me that I had hurt people along the way. I garbled out, “I don’t know what to say. Can I just say that I’m sorry?”
“You can say that, but it’s not going to change the past.”
“If I’d had known…”
“You would do what? Be a different person? Maybe you would. Maybe not.” He paused for just a while before he spoke again. “Tell you what. I am going to give you a second chance by sending you back into your past to key moments like when you went out with Valarie Lee.”
“Valarie Lee? That was a thousand years ago, and what did I do wrong? We made out a bit. What’s the big deal?” My response was sincere. I really didn’t think that I did anything wrong. I saw her one day while coming home when I was in high school. She instantly caught my eye. Valerie looked like a cute doll. She had a pale complexion, small black eyes and a perky mouth that appeared always ready to be kissed. I somehow found out her phone number through the grape vine. The first phone call was a bit awkward since she didn’t know me, but after several long phone calls in the following days she knew me enough to accept a date with me. The rest is history.
“The big deal was that you were the first boy that she had kissed and when you never called back she was very, very hurt, so much in fact that it clouded her view of men from all the tears that she cried over you.”
“I didn’t know,” I said, a lame response that marked me as a fool or cad or both.
“I know you didn’t know. That’s why you are getting to do this over again.”

The next second I was 17 again, standing in front of Valerie’s door for our first date. It was so weird to be back in time. I frantically tried to think of a strategy that would gain me entry into the pearly gates and not the underground. I couldn’t think of anything, and so without thought my hand raised itself and rang the door bell. I felt that I was in a rigged poker game and I wasn’t going to be dealt a good hand. The door opened and there was Valerie, young, pretty, and oh so innocent.
“Hi,” she said with a shy smile. With my given insight of her inexperience I couldn’t believe that she was actually going out with me without really knowing me. I realized that she was completely naïve, overlapped with a strong streak of stupidity. With my acquired knowledge even I realized that a repeat performance of the past would be wrong, but what to do, what to do? My first thought was to say, “This is a mistake,” and I tried, but the words wouldn’t come out. Ken was controlling the scene. I was going to be forced to play this out.
“Hi to you,” I said, resigned to my fate. I let me instincts take over as if I was…a young me again, but I kept my brain active in hopes of somehow saving myself. I looked her in the eye and smiled, then said, “Thanks for going out with me.” Valerie, keeping to her persona, just smiled and slightly lowered her eyes. We repeated our first date, walking to the ice cream parlor, buying our respective ice cream cones, French vanilla for me and strawberry for her, and then walking down to Aquatic Park, all the time talking about this and that. When we had finished our ice cream I casually put my hand around her waist as we continued to walk down the steep and charming Hyde Street to the park. Like the first time she did not protest my bold move. Once there we climb to the top of the bleachers that faced the bay and sat down, my arm still around her waist. It was getting close to the moment of truth in more ways than one. What was I to do; repeat the past and go straight to hell? God, I hate hot weather, so I just sat there not saying anything until Valerie turned to face me, with the idea of saying something. At that moment, without thinking, I kissed her. I didn’t plan it. If I had, I certainly would have vetoed the idea with Ken watching my every move. At first I could tell that Valerie was a bit hesitant, but she didn’t pull away and so I continued to kiss her. The more I kissed her, the more excited I became and so I did what I basically did the first time; I made out with Valerie in the manner fitting any teenage boy. Walking Valerie back to her home my mind was in turmoil. I was in deep dodo. I had not changed anything. I had repeated my sins. I kissed Valerie goodnight and expected to be yanked back to heaven’s court but instead I found myself walking back to my old home. Lying in bed I thought of my next move. The first time around I never got in touch with Valerie ever again. In some ways I thought that was better than going out with her once more because I would be deceiving her. She would have thought that I really liked her and I didn’t, not really. At that time in my life I didn’t know what real love was. I didn’t even know what “like” was. The only thing that I really felt was infatuation and lust, not in that particular order. I had a suspicion that if I didn’t call Valerie back I was going to go from deep in dodo to really deep in boiling dodo, so I called without any real plan to save myself. In the situation that I was in thinking was not my forte.
“Hi Valerie. I had a great time last night.”
“I did too Tony. Did you write your English paper that you were talking about?”
“Uh, yeah, but I don’t know if it’s any good,” I said slightly confused by her question but not for long.
“I can go over it for you if you want.”
“That’ll be great,” I said but not really feeling great. I knew that this offer was ominous.
“You can come over my place tomorrow. My parents are going to be gone so we won’t be bothered,” she offered so innocently like only she could. I groaned inside. It was obvious that she was ignorant of the ways of the real world because her invitation was like asking the fox into the chicken coop, little boys to be good, politicians to be honest.
“What time should I come over?” I asked resolved to face my trial straight on. Go for broke I told myself. Tomorrow will seal my fate for eternity.

Valerie led me to the couch which was as appropriate as studying in front of the television. Only studying on her bed could have been worst. She eased herself into the corduroy covered couch tucking her legs to one side. I sat to the left her just within striking distance.
“Well let’s see it,” she said. I pulled it from my pee chee folder and handed it to her. It was a composition written for English. My chosen subject was pro wrestling. I choose the subject thinking it would be amusing and the one and only command the teacher gave to the class was to make the paper interesting. Valerie sat quietly as she read the composition, twice breaking into a smile. Finally she put it down and said, “It’s very amusing but it’s has quite a few mistakes.”
“Oh,” I said. I suddenly remembered that I didn’t do well in English.
“I can make the corrections if you want, but you’ll have to rewrite it after I finish.”
“That’ll be fine. I can rewrite it in study hall before class.”
It took Valerie a while to make all the necessary corrections. I wasn’t good in English as a teenager and I still wasn’t after dying. All the while I was thinking about what was to come. I couldn’t think of a way out of my predicament. Ken wasn’t going to let me walk away and if I stayed, Valerie being what she was, I knew what the outcome would be. Rub two sticks and you know what you get. It was a good thing that I had grown up in the 50’s where the girls were so up tight, refusing to spread their legs unless marriage was just around the corner. It was also a life saver that I was satisfied to be just a bee buzzing from one flower to another, content with a mere taste; I didn’t have to devour the fruit not that I would have refused if it had it come my way.
“There. It’s done,” Valerie said and handed it to me.
“Well I have to reward you for your work,” I said with a smile that was more like a leer and moved in for the kill. Valerie was like a deer caught in the lights of a car, unable to move, only waiting for the inevitable. I gently pushed her down until she was lying on top of the couch and I on top of her. The first time that we had kissed I had to teach how to French. This time she knew to open her mouth to allow me free access. After a while my hands started to move as if they were getting bored with the lack of activity. I wanted to still them but I couldn’t either because of lust or divine will. I don’t know which. On their own they explored Valerie’s body. Valerie put up a feeble attempt when my hands slid under her sweater but stopped when her excitement overrode any idea of morality. She put up one last resistance when my hands traveled down her slight body, but even then she quickly ceased protesting and immersed herself into the moment and in a short while she let out a long moan and sank into the couch. At that moment I started to think again. “Oh shit,” I said within my mind, the words almost coming out of my mouth. My troubles had just multiplied. I was better off the first time, one date and gone. That was infinitely better than this. “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,” I said, the words instantly becoming my mantra. I kept repeating them until Valerie spoke.
“Tony. That felt so good.”
“Huh?” I said. She was actually thanking me for what I had done to cause my very doom. This is fucking unbelievable I thought.
“It’s not fair if you don’t feel good too,” she said much too innocently.
“Huh?” I said for the second time.
“We can do it if you want,” she said very softly. She must have assumed that this was true love. I started to re-chant my mantra. And then I realized that things couldn’t get worst. I had already blown it. Further, I can only go to hell once. So with those thoughts on my mind I decided that I might as well have my one last moment of pleasure because I was not ever going to have another. I took Valerie’s virginity that night and in turn lost my soul to the devil. When I left I kissed Valerie tenderly and walked out of her door and into eternity.

“You’re really a fuck up, pardon the pun,” Ken said without any real regret.
“Same to you,” I said. It didn’t matter now. I knew what the verdict was going to be. I decided to just let it all hang out and speak my mind. “This whole thing was just one grand set up.”
“What do you mean by that?” Ken said a taken back.
“You heard me. This so called second chance was a scam. There was no way that I could succeed.”
“And why not? You had the chance, a second chance I might remind you, to do what’s right.”
“And what was the right thing to do. Think about it. You wouldn’t let me walk away. I was forced to be with her. Did you want me to spend the rest of my life with her with no touching as the guideline? Or did you want me to marry her even if I wasn’t in love with her? Either choice would have been a disaster for her and for me. She didn’t want me as a friend and if I married her even though I didn’t love her I would have caused her more pain than the first time when we only made out.”
“Maybe you’re right but that doesn’t excuse your actions. Taking away her virginity after only the second date.”
“Oh, so we’re talking about the right moment. Would it have made it better if I waited for the 3rd date, or the 4th, 5th, 6th , 2 months, 3 months, a year. What difference would that make? I didn’t want to end up with her.
“Don’t change the subject. You took advantage of her when you knew that she loved you.”
“She thought she loved me. She’s a kid. She loved me as much as I loved her in an adolescent way. And I’m not saying you can’t love when you’re young. It’s just different when you’re an adult.”
“Still…” Ken mused. “You could have shown some restraint.”
“Like the restraint you showed when you slept with Sharon again and again.” Sharon was one of Ken’s escapades when he was seventeen. The big fuss about the affair was that Sharon was only twelve, but I’d be the first to swear that she didn’t look like it at all. Ken only found out after he did it with her for the first time but she was so hot that he kept doing it until her parents caught them. Lucky for Ken he wasn’t eighteen yet or he would have been slapped with statutory rape for sure.
“Bringing up Sharon is hitting below the belt,” Ken said.
“Hey, I’m fighting for my life here.”
“So what are you saying exactly? What is your saving argument?”
“I’m saying,” I paused for a second or two due to the sheer impact of my sudden insight. “I’m saying that I didn’t have a choice. Wait. Let me amend that just a bit. I had a choice, but I was going to choose the same path every time.”
“Uh huh. I get it. You’re saying that it was fate. That there isn’t such a thing as free choice,” Ken said with a touch of sarcasm.
“Not exactly,” I said my words dripping with sarcasm to out do him. “You have free choice, but because of your character, DNA, your parents, your past experiences, the way the planets were lined up when you were born, and everything else that make you what you are you’re going to make the same choice in any particular situation. So I’m saying that in the setting that you put me in with Valerie I was going to fuck her every time. Alter the setting and maybe the outcome would be different, but as it was… Setup, that’s all I gotta say.”
“So life is all fate.”
“In a way. You make choices but they’re determined. Sounds contradictory but that’s how I see it.”
“You have a fine argument, but it doesn’t really matter how you or I look at it. What is important here is still the outcome. You really caused Valerie a lot of grief. Your actions hurt another human being and in turn there has to be consequences. That’s what life is all about, being responsible for your actions, accepting the consequences of your actions.”
“So that’s it. No matter what I have said. No matter that I didn’t have a choice. I am now going to be punished for what you arranged.”
“That’s how you see it.”
“Yes, that’s how I see it. Am I wrong? If I am, tell me. I want to hear you tell me that I’m wrong before you send me to hell. Tell me,” I demanded.
“Tony, you’re not wrong, but the final line is that you did what you did and it was wrong.”
“OK. I give up. Guilty as charged. It was wrong, but I will forever say that you made me what I am and I only did what I did because of how you made me. With complete sincerity I still think that there should be some consideration given here.”
“And I will,” Ken said with a smile.

In the next second Tony was being reborn not as Tony but as Toni, a cute 6 pound baby girl with a sweet doll like face.
“Good luck Toni. I hope you like how I created you this time, but you probably won’t.”